Satellite Repositioning
We'll dramatically reroute a satellite array on screen. The satellite does not move. Nothing moves. The drama is the deliverable.
our "services"
Enterprise-grade theater.
H4ckers.lol Cyberdyne Brands LLC offers a complete suite of cybersecurity services, all of which are completely fake and most of which are free. We are ISO-9000-unaware and proudly non-compliant.
SCRIPT KIDDIE
free as in 'does nothing'
$0/forever
- Unlimited keyboard mashing
- Hacker Typer 3000 (all payloads)
- 1 (one) big magenta button
- Neon code rain (always on)
- Bragging rights (unverifiable)
recommended
ELITE 1337
most popular (it's free)
$0/also forever
- Everything in Script Kiddie
- Access to THE MAINFRAME™
- 6-stage ACCESS GRANTED sequence
- Imaginary target board
- Panic button (boss key)
- Sense of unearned superiority
ENTERPRISE APT
nation-state cosplay
$9,999/we won't cash it
- Everything in Elite 1337
- Dramatic pause near 99%
- A second, larger magenta button*
- Dedicated imaginary account 'manager'
- SOC 2 vibes (no audit)
- A printable certificate of menace
* the second larger magenta button is the same button. there is one button.
the full catalog
Six elite services. Zero of them real.
Every operation is performed live, on screen, with maximum theatrics and zero technical effect. This is by design and also by inability.
Firewall 'Penetration'
Our proprietary process disables the firewall, which was, on inspection, a screensaver. Results may vary (they won't).
7-Proxy Tunneling
Route your traffic through 7 cities for that authentic 'they'll never trace it' feeling. Traffic is routed through exactly zero cities.
AI-Powered Enhancement
Point at a blurry image and shout ENHANCE. We add no pixels but plenty of confidence. Now blockchain-adjacent.
Internet Downloading
We download the entire internet (all 4.1 exabytes) onto a single screen. The progress bar is real. The download is not.
Track Covering
After each non-breach we 'cover our tracks' with a flourish. There were no tracks. There was no breach. Immaculate.
trusted by literally nobody important
What our "clients" "say."
"I pressed the button and felt powerful. Then nothing happened. 10/10."
"My IT guy walked by while I was mashing. He's scared of me now. Worth it."
"Hacked the mainframe. The mainframe was my microwave. Defrost mode engaged."